Humour

Humour

I don't know if this is true ... but I'd like to think it is! .................

Florida Court Sets Atheist Holy Day!

                        Gotta love this Judge!


      FLORIDA COURT SETS ATHEIST HOLY DAY

In Florida , an atheist created a case against Easter and Passover Holy days.

He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians and Jews and observances of their holy days. The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days.

The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring,"Case dismissed!"

The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling saying, "Your honor, How can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and others. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays..."

The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "But you do. Your client, counsel, is woefully ignorant."

The lawyer said, "Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists."

The judge said, "The calendar says April 1st is April Fools Day.
Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.'

Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that, if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool.

Therefore, April 1st is his day.

Court is adjourned..."

You gotta love a Judge that knows his scripture!

Who's best on a computer?

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering..

Finally fed up, God said, 'THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job.'

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

They moused.

They faxed.

They e-mailed.

They e-mailed with attachments.

They downloaded.

They did spreadsheets!

They wrote reports.

They created labels and cards.

They created charts and graphs.

They did some genealogy reports

They did every job known to man.

Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.

Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the Power went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.

Jesus just sighed.

Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming:

It's gone! It's all GONE! 'I lost everything when the power went out!'

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.

Satan observed this and became irate.

'Wait!' he screamed. 'That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?'

God just shrugged and said,

.....

.....

.............. 'JESUS SAVES'

A TEXAS BEER JOINT SUES A CHURCH.....
In a small Texas town Heskey's bar began construction on a
new building to increase their business.

The local Baptist church started a campaign to block the bar from opening
with petitions and prayers.

Work progressed right up till the week before opening when lightning struck
the bar and it burned to the ground.

The church folks were rather smug in their outlook after that, until the
bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church was ultimately
responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or
indirect actions or means.

The church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the
building's demise in its reply to the court.

As the case made its way into court, the judge looked over the paperwork.
At the hearing he commented, 'I don't know how I'm going to decide this,
but as it appears from the paperwork, we have a bar owner who believes in
the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that does not.'

An atheist was walking through the woods.
'What majestic trees!'
'What powerful rivers!'
'What beautiful animals!'
He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look, and saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charging towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the Atheist cried out, 'Oh my God!'
Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. 'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?'

The atheist looked directly into the light and said, 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?'

'Very Well,' said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed.
And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke…

'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.'

A man rushes into a vet’s surgery with his collapsed dog. The vet examines the dog and tells the man that the dog is dead. The owner is upset and demands a second opinion, so the vet brings in a black cat. The cat walks around the body of the dog and sniffs it from head to tail before meowing to the vet. “The cat is saying that your dog is dead” the vet tells the owner.

The man is still not happy and asks for another opinion, so the vet brings in a yellow labrador. The labrador then sniffs the body of the dead dog from head to tail and pokes it a couple of times before barking at the vet. “He’s saying that your dog is definitely dead” says the vet.

The owner finally accepts that his dog is dead and asks the vet for the bill. “That will be £550” says the vet. The man is surprised that the cost should be quite so high and asks the vet for a breakdown. “Well, my examination only cost £50” explains the vet, “but the extra £500 is for the cat scan and lab tests”!