Source of following humour:
Family Worship Newsletter written by Mike Burn and is
published by Family
Worship Resources, part of Ichthus Christian Fellowship, London, UK. Copyright
2001, Mike Burn.
As a new bride, Aunt
Edna put a shoe box on a shelf in her closet and asked her husband never to
touch it.
For 50 years Uncle Jack left the box alone, until Aunt Edna was old and dying.
One day when he was putting their affairs in order, he found the box again and
thought it might hold something important. Opening it, he found two
embroidered lace handkerchiefs and £42,500 in cash. He took the box to her and
asked about the contents.
"My mother gave me that box the day we married," she explained. "She told me
to make a lace handkerchief to help ease my frustrations every time I got mad
at you."
Uncle Jack was very touched to think that in 50 years she'd only been mad at
him twice.
"What's the £42,500 for?" he asked.
"Oh, well that's the money I've made selling the handkerchiefs..."
The pastor shocked the
congregation when he announced that he was resigning from the church and moving
to another town.
After the service, a very distraught lady came to the pastor with tears in her
eyes, "Oh, Pastor Bob, we are going to miss you so much. We don't want you to
leave!"
The kind-hearted pastor patted her hand and said "Now, now, Carolyn, don't carry
on. The pastor who takes my place might be even better than me".
"Yes", she said, with a tone of disappointment in her voice, "That's what they
said the last time"
A man walking along
noticed two city workers working along the roadside.
The man was quite
impressed with their hard work, but he couldn't understand what they were doing.
Finally, he approached the workers and asked, "I appreciate how hard you're both
working, but what the heck are you doing? It seems that one of you digs a hole,
and then the other guy immediately fills it back up again."
"Oh," explained one of the city workers, "the third guy who plants the trees is
off sick today."
A pastor was preaching
an impassioned sermon on the evils of television.
"It steals away precious time that could be better spent on other
things," he said, advising the congregation to do what he and his family had
done: "We put out TV away in the closet."
"That's right," his wife whispered to the lady next to her, "and it gets awfully
crowded in there..."
A man goes into a chemist and asks the pharmacist if he can give
him something for hiccups. The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the
man's face.
"What did you do that for?" the man asks.
"Well, the shock worked - you don't have hiccups anymore, do you?"
The man says, "No, but I never did - my wife out in the car still does, though!"
A mother emailed us
recently with this question:
Should I have a baby after 35?
Our advice? No, 35 children is quite enough.
NASA wanted to find a
writing implement that could be used in space.
It took dozens of engineers and millions of dollars to finally invent a space
pen. The pen could write in zero gravity and the ink would still flow at any
angle. Amazing.
Does make you wonder, though, why they didn't just give the astronauts
pencils...
A Sunday school teacher
asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is
it necessary to be quiet in church?"
Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping?"
A husband was standing
on the bathroom scale, pulling in his stomach.
His wife remarked, "I don't think that is going to help much, darling"
"Sure it does," he said. "How else can I see the numbers?"
The little boy wasn't
getting good marks in school. One day he spoke to his teacher.
He looked him straight in the eye and said, "I don't want to scare you, but my
Daddy says if I don't get better grades somebody is going to get a spanking!"
The stockbroker's secretary answered
his phone one morning. "I'm
sorry," she said, "Mr. Bradford's on another line"
"This is Mr. Ingram's office," the caller said. "We'd like
to know if
he's bullish or bearish about the markets at the moment"
"Well, he's talking to his wife," the secretary replied, "so
right now
I'd say he's sheepish"
A Post Office worker at the main
sorting office found an unstamped,
poorly hand-written envelope, addressed to God.
He opened it and discovered it was from an elderly lady, distressed
because all her savings, £200, had been stolen. She would be cold & hungry without divine intervention.
He organised the postal workers, who dug deep and came up with £180 to
donate. They got it to her by special courier the
same morning.
A week later, the same postal worker noticed the same handwriting on
another envelope. He opened it: "Dear God, Thank you
for the £180 - life would have been so bleak otherwise.
p.s. It was £20 short but that was probably those thieving workers at
the Post Office."
There were two men shipwrecked on
this island. The minute they got to
the island, one of them started screaming and
yelling. "We're going to die! We're going to die! There's no food! No
water! We're going to die!"
The second man was propped up against a palm tree and acting so calmly
it drove the first man crazy.
"Don't you understand?!" We're going to die!!" the first man
said.
"It's OK - I make £100,000 a week," said the second man.
The first man looked at him quite dumbfounded and asked, "What
difference does it make? We're on an island with no food
and no water! We're going to die!"
The second man answered, "You don't get it. I make £100,000 a week - and
I tithe. My pastor will find me"
A boy and his father from a remote
country village were visiting the
city for the very first time and were in a
department store. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but
especially by two shiny, silver walls that they saw
move apart and back together again, with people getting in and out.
The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?"
The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my
life, I don't know what it is!"
While the boy and his father watched, an elderly lady shuffled up to the
moving walls and pressed a button. The walls
opened and the lady stepped between them into a small room. The walls
closed and the boy and his father watched small
circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued
to watch the circles light up in the reverse
direction. The walls opened up again and a 24-year old woman stepped
out.
The father turned to his son and said, "Son, go get your mother."
