Tommy
Cooper Jokes.
(Try practising your Tommy Cooper
impression)![]()
Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a
small
two-seater
Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.
Irish
search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and
expect that
number to climb as digging continues into the night.
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Two Aerials meet on
a roof - fall in love - get married
The
ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.
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Man goes to
the docs, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says,
"I'll give you some cream to put on it."
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"Doc, I
can't stop singing the green green grass of home."
"That
sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it
common?"
"It's not
unusual."
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A man takes
his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog's
cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well,"
says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks
the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he
says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What?
Because he's cross-eyed? "
"No,
because he's really heavy"
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"Doctor, I
can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's."
"Well you
can't say fairer than that then"
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Two
elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!
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So I went
to the dentist.
He said
"Say Aaah."
I said
"Why?"
He said "My
dog's died."
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So I got
home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said
'Who's
speaking please?'
And a voice
said "You are."
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So I rang
up my local swimming baths.
I said 'Is
that the local swimming baths?'
He said 'It
depends where you're calling from.'
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So I rang
up a local building firm,
I said 'I
want a skip outside my house.'
He said
'I'm not stopping you.'
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Apparently,
1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5
people in
my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either
my mum or my dad.
Or my older
brother Colin.
Or my
younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I think
it's Colin.
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So I was in
my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and
he said
'You've been promoted.'
And I
swerved.
And then he
rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted
again.'
And I
swerved again.
He rang up
a third time and said 'You're managing director.'
And I went
into a tree.
And a
policeman came up and said
'What
happened to you?'
And I said
'I careered off the road.'
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Now, most
dentists' chairs go up and down, don't they?
The one I
was in went back and forwards.
I thought
'This is unusual'.
And the
dentist said to me
'Mr.
Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'
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So I was getting
into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give
me a lift?"
I said
"Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."
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Two
cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other
"Does this
taste funny to you?"
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Police
arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and
the other
was eating fireworks.
They
charged one and let the other one off.
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You know,
somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They
left a
little note on the windscreen; it said 'Parking Fine.'
So that was
nice.
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A man
walked into the doctors,
The doctor
said "I haven't seen you in a long time"
The man
replied, "I know I've been ill"
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A man
walked into the doctors,
he said
"I've hurt my arm in several places"
The doctor
said, "well don't go to those places"
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I had a
ploughman's lunch the other day.
He wasn't
very happy.
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I went to
buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
find any.
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I bought
some HP sauce the other day.
It's
costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.
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Two blondes
walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of
them would
have seen it.
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Phone
answering machine message -
"...If you
want to buy marijuana.............press the hash key..."
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I went to
the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't
reach the meat off the top shelf.
He said,
"No, the steaks are too high."
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My friend
drowned in a bowl of muesli.
A strong
currant pulled him in.
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A man came
round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor
replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
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I went to a
seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
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Two Eskimos
sitting in a kayak were chilly.
They lit a
fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that
you can't
have your kayak and heat it.
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Our ice cream man
was found lying on the floor of his van covered with
hundreds and thousands.
Police say that he topped himself.
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Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other
"Your round."
The other one says "So are you, you fat slob!"
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